When you are struggling it is hard to think straight sometimes, no matter what the issue is.
Wether it is insecurities, doubts, worries or any problem, we tend to get caught up in frantically trying to find the solution.
I have come to learn that instead of searching for solutions to ease my mind, it is better to just ease my mind first without a solution to the problem.
So, whatever the problem is I start questioning why I feel a certain way first. You then continue digging into it.
The result is usually not to find a solution to the problem , but rather how the feelings of worry, insecurity or doubts got to be there in the first place, which often has nothing to do with what we perceive as the problem.
If the statement: “You create your own reality” is correct, and I believe it is correct, you will find yourself solving problems quicker by finding the source of the problem within you instead of outside yourself.
I wanted to say that it is not always the case for practical problems, but in a way we also create the practical problems around us, as everything comes from a mindset of lack or abundance and everything in between.
I guess we could say this is the new way of approaching life instead of going for the solution per problem.
You see, if we manage to change our habits, mindset and perspective on life, it’s very likely we won’t create the same problems over and over again.
And so I started doing the deep questioning.
It all starts with you having an internal dialogue with yourself, which usually starts subconsciously.
You just walk around with it while doing chores and daily routines. Cause when issues arise it starts in the mind with nagging thoughts that slowly grow out bigger and bigger, your mood starts to decline, then comes a point where it is big enough to become a conscious worry, and from conscious worry it evolves to downright doubt, insecurities and everything in between …we may say that this is where the panic worry starts to develop, cause now you have to find a solution for yourself in order to feeling better again.
Panic worry is not always the case cause it can also evolve to anxiety, extreme self doubt and/or a constant feeling of insecurity.
So what we’re essentially doing is letting it fester till the feelings of being calm about it are out of the window and now we are in survival mode until we get out of it, but how? I’ll use an example but it pretty much applies to each situation.
And I’ll use one I’ve dealt with a long time ago that starts with the following thought:
“Ugh, this person irritates me”, which proceeds to evolve in: “Now he/she is doing this that makes me even more irritated” and on it goes:
“We live together so I need to find a way to address the problem, but I don’t want it to escalate, maybe I’ll wait till the person is making a big mistake so i can address it and have a reason to be angry cause he or she made a mistake”.
By now the anger, frustration or irritation is developing more and more, and now becomes a conscious part of our thought process on a daily basis. Passive aggressive comments start to build up towards the person, and it goes to the point you probably both become that way cause the other person is not immune to the energetic frustration of you and so by now the irritations are mutual, and maybe they always were lingering mutually in the background. But in other cases the other person is completely oblivious to you having the frustration, which is even more irritating and makes everything worse cause now you are wondering if the person just doesn’t care enough to notice what he or she is “doing to you” and waiting for the other to make a mistake is obviously to justify all the frustration that has been building up already for a while and so it continues to fester.
The end scenario is usually an explosion or clash with a potential to completely break the relationship to pieces.
Either cause you both had the mutually silent frustrations or the other is so oblivious to your frustration with them that you sort of shock the other into a complete surprise attack. Cause the mistake you were waiting for to lash out with all the accumulated irritations are now way out of proportion.
I have been on the receiving end of such events and also on the silent irritation end of this situation.
How do you solve these problems?
When coming from the receiving end or the other side of this situation, both are learning points about yourself.
So, I start questioning, which goes a bit like this when being on the irritation end, and I will quote the internal dialogue to illustrate the process.
This dialogue goes on between my higher self (wisdom and knowledge) and my ego (the child and drama queen)
Ego: “Aargh, I feel so irritated, frustrated with this person, I’m at a point where I want to scream and tell him/her how annoying, irritating, inconsiderate, …(fill in the blanks)….he/she is”
Higher Self: “But wait, this person is just living his/her life, and it looks they are completely oblivious to your irritation! “
Ego:”That is even more annoying, is he/she that ignorant?”
Higher Self: “Stop!” “ You have the problem, not him/her!” “ Get your shit together!” “Why are you so angry and negative?”
Ego: “I don’t know, but I am furious now”
Higher Self: “If you address to the person what is realistically irritating, you can just tell him/her and talk about it”
Ego: “So why am I not doing that? Why am I so out of proportion angry?”
“Did I wait too long to get it out?”, “No, cause I did address certain household chores that were being neglected at first, so how did this evolve into a full blown anger?” “What do I really feel about this person? What does this person really do to my feelings?”
At this point tears start falling, cause Ego realises something….
Ego: “I am scared”
Higher Self: “Scared of what?”, “Scared that he/she will find me unworthy to have a dialogue about my frustrations with him/her”
Higher Self: “Why would he/she find me unworthy? We are friends, live together as housemates (or any other relational scenario) and for a while you are being irritated now, so where does it come from?”
Ego: “He/She has so much more success, has no problems paying the bills and I am here struggling to get it all together, so why can’t I have that?”
Higher Self: “Ah, so the real frustration is not with the person, it is you who feels insecure about your personal situation and future?”
Ego: “Yes, cause what if I can’t manage to create more succes, he/she will think I’m a loser, they continue on with their life and find a bigger, better place, so now I am stuck fending for myself and still be a loser cause now I need to pay the rent alone or find another place by myself but I’m not that good in networking like him/her, so I feel dependent on his/her skills now”
Higher Self: “What about other friends around you?”
Ego: “I have none, cause I‘m too shy to be bubbly and outgoing like him/her.”
Higher Self: “So, you are really irritated cause you can’t have what he/she has”?
Ego: “Erhm, I guess i am”
Higher Self: “Okay then, so let’s dig deeper into this and see why you feel inferior about yourself and are constantly comparing to others that have different skills than you” Ego: “What skills could I possibly posses that have the same potential he/she has” Higher Self: “Again, you are comparing, therefore not looking at your own desires, what makes you happy, then adapt to your own skills without the comparisons”
Ego: “My desires are to be successful like him/her”
Higher Self: “What if you never met the person, which desires would you have then?” Ego: “I would like to have a quiet life where I can make my own money and pay my bills, I’m not always particularly into being social and so I see myself being home, doing a job that I love to do, get paid for it and just be”
Higher Self: “But he/she has a fast social life, demanding job, crazy busy with people always around him/her , that is the complete opposite of what you want! So you are really just wanting the income and not the life he/she has, you don’t desire the lifestyle at all”
Ego: “True, but he/she seems to have it all and I want to be like that too”
Higher Self: “But you are not like that, and if you would have that life you’d be utterly miserable cause the constant socialising would stress you out and makes you unhappy”
Ego: “Yes, that is true, I don’t know how to build my own desires”
Higher Self: “So, we have solved one problem, he/she is not the source of your insecurity, he/she is merely the excuse you use for your own internal battle”
Ego: “I guess I am, cause I don’t want to feel more of a loser then I already feel”
Higher Self: “But you are a loser!”
Ego: “WUT?!” “TF, is wrong with you??”
(Note: this is an internal dialogue with self. Ego vs Higher Self)
Higher Self: “Nothing wrong with me, I am your higher self, I only point out what you are telling yourself the whole time”
Ego: “hmm”, “So, how can I change that?”
Higher Self: “Well, if you create your own reality with your thoughts, you will have to change your thoughts, and in order to change your thoughts you will have to start changing your attitude towards life and learning to trust the process”
Ego: “ How do I trust the process if I’m feeling miserable, angry, jealous, insecure etc.”
Higher Self: By taking everyone out of the equation and looking at just yourself, your progress in life and the successes you did have.”
Ego: “Well, I did get to this point, I am just afraid I will get stuck”
Higher Self: “As long there is movement, there is progress. What matters is, how you approach life and situations that are a bit less favourable. At the end of the day something will happen for the better, your mood may turn again, something unexpected may happen, but if you close yourself off for that with constant negative self talk it may be more difficult to get out on the right side of the situation”
Ego: “ Yes, I am a whining child sometimes and I see things too dark in those moments. I also did not realise it was not my roommate being annoying but me annoying myself”.
Although, this is just an example, you can apply this to every situation. The feelings may vary, the situation may differ, the reason may be a complete different one.
The application is the same, important is to be completely honest with yourself and allowing your higher self to be straight with you.
In other words, make friends with each other and dive deep into your own mechanics.
– Keystone’s Philosophy –
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